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Refraction by ~hereticschizoid:iconhereticschizoid:

Categories Literature > Poetry > Human Nature > Open




He felt the twinge
of loneliness
saw the world
that we all miss

the inside of
misunderstood
outside every
thing we could

thought away
from cliche sin
becoming all
that's held within

the things that
manage everyday
to overcome
the things we say

for a dream
of simple ends
easy breath
and loyal friends.
©2005-2009 ~hereticschizoid
:iconhereticschizoid:

Author's Comments

Sorta abstract I guess. When you read it, don't think about what I meant when I wrote it, think about what it means to you.

It's not very refined, but I like the simple rhyming and the spirtual humanity of it. Sometimes I like being slightly philosophical or spiritual or whatever. But not so abstract that it takes away any hope at deciphering emotional meaning. So here you go. Hope you like it.

Comments


love 0 0 joy 0 0 wow 0 0 mad 0 0 sad 0 0 fear 0 0 neutral 0 0
:icondemonlight:
`demonlight Jun 18, 2005, 12:47:23 PM
thought away
from cliche sin Nice internal rhyme there.

Tight stanzas are hard to do - they either emphasize clarity or befuddle the reader. This is very abstract, but it seems as though you've set out to do that. So I'll let it go. I wonder why the 'he' - the subject of the first stanza disapears however. There doesn't really seem to be a reason for that.

Anyway - nice use of rhythm - this could be something you can work on.

--
A storm is rising.
:iconholy-mecha:
~Holy-Mecha Jun 18, 2005, 1:44:46 PM
What a tight little package the last stanza is! Awesome. Me likee.

--
-- We're geek! We're l337! Get used to it! --
Geek pride; copy this into your signature and spread the word!

"The human capacity of suffering is what we should cause to be respected, not the mere capacity of existing." - John Stuart M
:iconxxtwilights-angelxx:
~XxTwilights-AngelxX Jun 18, 2005, 2:40:01 PM
Very nice rhythm and rhyme. :nod:

--
"You should be commited."
"Thanks I'm glad you noticed!"
:heart: =GustaveDelior :heart:
:yawnstretch:*GoodnightNovemberEve :yawnstretch:
:ahoy:I'm in love with a killer chocolatechip pancake maker :ahoy:
:iconmisaniovent:
~Misaniovent Jun 18, 2005, 2:58:07 PM
Nicely . . . sculpted, I think is the word.

--
Hide the past!
:iconjakkar:
~Jakkar Jun 18, 2005, 5:46:02 PM
*smiles happily* Abstract is the world of the day... But the word of tonight is certainly 'excellent'. Well done.

All I will say is all I could hope to recieve from a reader of one of my owns.

'It made me smile'.

- Jakkar.
:iconwinterfang:
~Winterfang Jun 18, 2005, 7:03:05 PM
Unrefined...yes. But raw is good. It sort of gives the impression that the emotion isn't contrived...that it's honest. (Not that this is contrived.)

--
"This isn't a hobby, this is a disorder."
:iconbluequantum:
*bluequantum Jun 18, 2005, 11:25:39 PM
It makes me feel quiet. It makes me feel thoughtful. I like it, it has a message, but but it is done softly, it is not harsh. I read it a few times, in fact.

--
Why is enough not enough for those that have enough
:iconhereticschizoid:
~hereticschizoid Jun 19, 2005, 7:55:47 AM
Wonderful! I'm glad it affected you the same way it affects me :p

:hug: thanks for the comment

--
Donate 20 grains of rice playing a word game... it's addictive
"Kind words do not cost much. Yet they accomplish much." -Blaise Pascal.
:iconhereticschizoid:
~hereticschizoid Jun 19, 2005, 8:03:00 AM
:nod: I understand what you mean. Thank you! :dance:

--
Donate 20 grains of rice playing a word game... it's addictive
"Kind words do not cost much. Yet they accomplish much." -Blaise Pascal.
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