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Strength seeps through the ground
flowing from his stance, his posture;
Roots that remain unwavering
by his shoulder-width apart.

He defies logic and reason
and defines it in the same breath;
an intimation of his own conclusion,
confident, absolute, concrete
except for the endless possibilities;
Would you be so daring as to fantasize...

Touch, feel the strength teasing your fingertips
such an intense wave of electricity:
Tendrils of excitement tying up your breath,
the sweetest asphyxiation.

Taste, if you would be so bold...
Just a terrifying thought that makes your mouth water.
Would his kiss be gentle, demanding, intoxicating?
See the luster of your passion on your parted lips.

Could you imagine yourself lost,
hidden in the strength of his embrace
restored by his warmth while your body responds
pressed against someone so different, difficult.

Your veins pulse with heat, blood rushing, rushing...
A gorgeous contrast to his mysterious apathy
Calloused contradiction to your tender skin;
You watch demurely, taking it all in...

Confused but clear
You're flustered but you know what you want
Taken, used, desired; if only you could be that fulfilling.
your breath bated for his satisfaction.
©2006-2009 ~hereticschizoid
:iconhereticschizoid:

Author's Comments

This is the updated version of Given.

i'm very happy with this version, and i think it's one of my best poems. i would definitely appreciate some of your input. Most of the beauty of this poem is word choice (it's what creates any imagery, mood, etc. in the poem), so feel free to critique that.

i think the poem itself is fairly self-explanatory. It's more than just 'sex', it's also a dynamic. It's the beautiful manipulation of the senses and the mind. It's being able to feel secure and out of control at the same time. Wouldn't that be nice ;-)

It's all in theory and fantasy for those of you who are curious if it's about something specific. But you can pretend it is :giggle:

Comments


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:iconaloneandbleeding:
I really like this piece, I think it's breath taking. :)

There are a few things you might want to look over again, though. The line "See the luster of your passion on your parted lips." is a pretty complex sentence, and the rest of your lines are pretty simple so it sort of disrupts the flow of your poem. And also "endless possibilities;" is sort of an cliche, so it may make the reader rush through your poem because they think the rest of it will be the same sort of thing, but IT'S NOT. It's a beautifully written piece, and I adore it.

Have you been to an open mic night yet? I remember you talking about wanting to go once upon a time. I think this would be a perfect piece to perform.
:iconhereticschizoid:
Thanks for the critique :aww: You're definitely right about all of that... i might go back and work on smoothing that out. i knew there was something a bit off with those but i couldn't put my finger on it.

And i used to go to an open mic night in my area but i never performed anything. i'm moving off to college soon so i'll probably find a place there.

i'm glad you liked the poem :aww: How've you been?

--
Donate 20 grains of rice playing a word game... it's addictive
"Kind words do not cost much. Yet they accomplish much." -Blaise Pascal.
:iconvernonx9000:
Nicely done. I'm not much of a poetry critic as I manily take things at face value (for the most part) but you seem to have summed up a *ahem* brief intimate encounter quite well. The only thing that really kinda "sore-thumbed" me was the use of the word desired in the second to last line. I'm not sure if it fits, contextually, in the same way you chose "taken" and "used". Other than that, Aces! :thumbsup:

--
:heart:~Chia-en:heart:


"If I ever caught a 'social disease' I can think of no one else I would rather catch it off." @littlefishey
:iconroleheki:
with all the big words i didn't know what it was about lol i understood it as could u imagine being token away from someone u love and being forced with someone else but i'm prob so far of fi couldn't touch with a ten foot pole lol
:iconhereticschizoid:
Well i suppose you can view it any way you like... and in a way it is about being forced =P but in a good way.

--
Donate 20 grains of rice playing a word game... it's addictive
"Kind words do not cost much. Yet they accomplish much." -Blaise Pascal.
:iconhereticschizoid:
Actually it does from my viewpoint =D i understand what you mean... but to me they all tie in together quite well. Thanks for the feedback, and i'm glad you liked it ;-)

:hug:

--
Donate 20 grains of rice playing a word game... it's addictive
"Kind words do not cost much. Yet they accomplish much." -Blaise Pascal.
:iconaloneandbleeding:
I'm doing pretty well. I'm just trying to pass all of my classes, which I think is possible right now. I hope so anyway!

What college are you going to?
:iconhereticschizoid:
Univ. of Central Florida in Orlando :#1: i've been looking forward to leaving the house for a long time now =P

And yeah... i'm trying to pass all my classes plus qualify for scholarships. Sucks doesn't it? :lol:

--
Donate 20 grains of rice playing a word game... it's addictive
"Kind words do not cost much. Yet they accomplish much." -Blaise Pascal.
:iconaloneandbleeding:
Yeah, that does suck. :D

There are a whole bunch of scholarships that I've been looking at, but I'm probobly not going to get any. There is this one from $10,000 that vegetarians can get if they promote vegan/vegetarianism throughout their school and community. I think I can do that one, but I really don't know.

I'm glad you're getting out!

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May 3, 2006
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