I am not who you think I am.

I wish I was so at least someone would know me. Maybe you could enlighten me as to who I am and where I’m going. Sometimes I feel like the path is spread out before me like the interstate at 3 am. Lately though, it seems like I’m the middle car in a 5 car pile up.

I stumble around confused and disoriented, searching for something superfluous… just to be doing something. I cry because I can. It’s what happens when the energy within you becomes overwhelming and escapes through tears or screams. My favorite is that silent screaming when you have no more air left. Your face is contorted with emotional pain that looks more real than any physical sensation. It’s one of the few times when you stop caring about appearances; everything around you is unreal and no longer matters. Nothing can interfere with that feeling until it runs its course.

I know there are angels along the way to guide me but sometimes they’re hard to see. Sometimes I wonder if they’ve left me there to find my own way as a test of character or a lesson in strength. I’m not that strong. My will may be as powerful as I want it to be, but my brain is diseased. That’s the bottom line. My brain is working against me so I am unlikely to get anywhere. And if I do ever get there, it will be a slow and tedious road trip with no air conditioning and a busted stereo.

I don’t need to have faith in “the powers that be”. I don’t need to have faith in the energy that makes up everything we know and don’t know. It’s just there. I need to have faith in myself. That’s the hard part. I’m fallible and I know it. I remind myself daily without meaning to. The higher powers can be as infallible and perfect as they want, but I am flawed. I am flawed and I am the one who is in the driver’s seat. How would you feel knowing you’re being driven through life by someone who isn’t quite sure how to work everything, let alone how to navigate? I know it scares the hell out of me most of the time.

And the rest of the time I close my eyes really tight, brace myself, and thank those higher powers for seat belts and air bags.